How to Deal with a Co-Parenting Gopher
If your divorce has led to parenting struggles, you’re not alone. Plenty of couples have trouble navigating the new realities of parenting from two separate homes. Sure, both parents love their kids. But pain, ego, inexperience, and new challenges all factor into the success of the endeavor that used to be pretty simple. Having one partner turn into what we call a “gopher parent” is not all that uncommon, despite the fact that it’s really not good for anyone involved.
What is a Gopher Parent?
Like a gopher that pops its head up every so often and then disappears, a gopher parent is there one minute and gone the next. The primary parent may handle all of the parenting most of the time, only to have the gopher pop up and want to have a lot of influence when certain decisions are being made, for example. It can be frustrating to have to explain the gopher’s regular absences, not to mention having to cede some level of authority during unexpected appearances. But there are ways to handle it so that things don’t get out of hand.
- Keep the gopher informed about the kids’ activities, goals, health, and so forth as much as you can.
- Stay calm and respectful. Nagging about shortcomings probably won’t get you anywhere because they already are quite aware of their patterns. Praise the good, accommodate when possible, and do what you can to strengthen the relationship with the kids.
- When you want to explode out of frustration, find somewhere out of earshot of the kids to vent. Then get refocused, and zone in on parenting with love and kindness.
- If it’s really getting under your skin, consider counseling, either alone, with your ex, or, depending on the ages of the kids, as a family. Having a safe space to work out the tensions could be very beneficial.
- Consider getting your former in-laws more involved in the kids’ lives. Grandparents often long for more opportunities to play a role, and could demonstrate their affection more frequently, setting an example for the gopher.
- Learn to accept the gopher instead of hoping for change all the time, and help the kids to deal with the reality without badmouthing their other parent. It’s worthwhile to understand that, as much as you might prefer a different scenario, people come to problems from different angles, with different abilities, and with wildly different outcomes. You can’t control others — so make peace with that.
Divorce Attorneys You can Trust
The experienced Springfield divorce attorneys at Courtney & Mills can help you to achieve your goals as they negotiate a divorce settlement that works for you. To discuss possibilities, schedule a confidential consultation in our Springfield office today.
