When Your Kids Blame You for the Divorce
Divorce can be heart-wrenching in many ways, none more so than when children refuse to see or interact with one parent whom they hold accountable for the derailment of the family. What can you do if your kids view you as the “bad guy” who essentially ruined the life they’d always known?
It’s Complicated
For a parent who feels ostracized, the guilt and pain can be overwhelming. Regardless of what contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, parents still cherish their children, and having them look at you in a new, judgmental light is tough. But, as the adult here, there are some things you need to keep in mind:
- For starters, kids are kids and simply haven’t the experience or context to understand the complexities of marriage, divorce, or relationships in general. They can’t possibly comprehend the 101 things—tiny and humungous—that led to the split!
- Secondly, recognize that most kids and teens think in terms of black and white—right and wrong. They need someone to be the bad guy and someone else to be the good guy. The idea that people are amalgamations of both good and bad is beyond them in their tender years.
- Next, kids may sense that one parent is more wounded and vulnerable than the other. They often feel a responsibility to protect one parent.
- Finally, children may have been manipulated into taking sides because they are dependent on one parent for daily care. If kids know if that parent becomes hurt or angry if love is given to both parents, they may withhold out of a sense of self-preservation. It may not be fair—especially if the other parent has been oversharing to get the kids on their side—but it does explain why kids land where they do.
Now What?
Now that you have some understanding of where they’re coming from, what can you do to rectify the situation?
- Avoid being defensive. That will be tough, especially when kids don’t have access to all the facts. But your job is not to convince them that they’re seeing things incorrectly. It’s to hear their pain and help them through a truly devastating time.
- Never blame your ex. That just puts the poor kids in the middle of two conflicting narratives, which will not be helpful in the long run.
- Acknowledge what they’re feeling by telling them you see their suffering and wish things could be easier.
- Avoid focusing on your own feelings, other than to say that you love them and will always be available to help them.
- Offer reassurance that things will improve with time.
Getting it Right
The complexity of divorce can have long-term impacts on children. Getting it right is crucial for their healthy emotional development. At Courtney & Mills, our dedicated Springfield family attorneys keep the wellbeing of kids front-of-mind at all times. To discuss your situation, schedule a confidential consultation in our Springfield office today.
Source:
psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202211/my-kids-blame-me-the-divorce-what-can-i-do
