Divorcing and Coparenting with an Abusive Spouse
Studies indicate that about one out of every four divorces in the country are due in large part to abuse. It is, in fact, one of the leading causes of divorce. Whether the abuse is physical, psychological, financial, or sexual, the abuse is very real, and very dangerous. It often develops gradually, cycling between severe abuse and episodes of contrition, until the abuse becomes simply intolerable and the victim looks for a way out. The question is, how to escape?
Divorcing an Abusive Spouse
There are three things to keep in mind before telling your abusive spouse that you want a divorce, because, statistically, the announcement will not land well and may escalate tensions.
- Prepare with safety in mind: You will need to take steps to ensure the safety of your children and yourself before ever mentioning divorce. A trained domestic violence advocate, even one from a hot line, can help. Know where you will go, have essentials like birth certificates, passports, medications, and such packed and ready. And absolutely don’t discuss your plans with anyone who might spill the beans to your spouse. Finally, remove firearms from the house if possible before your spouse has any clue about your plans.
- Try to assemble anything to substantiate your abuse. Everything from medical records to photos and threatening text messages may prove helpful if your spouse attempts to manipulate you or the courts going forward.
- Make sure you have the financial and legal support you’ll need in the coming weeks and months. Advocates, support groups, and therapists can all help.
What Comes Next?
Once you’ve filed for divorce, be prepared for your abuser to feel even more desire to control you. Filing a protective order is a good start to securing your safety. Beyond that, whether you are staying in the family home or someplace new, make sure to change or install heavy duty locks. It’s also a good idea to install motion detector lights and a security system. At the very least, a dog that barks when strangers approach is a good alarm!
Co-Parenting Post Divorce
It is often not possible for an abuser and their target to work together constructively to co-parent at this point. A number of scenarios may play out:
- The court may order supervised visitation only for a lengthy period of time;
- There may be visitation, but the exchange of the children would take place in a safe zone, such as at a police station;
- The court may not allow any visitation at all.
The best interests of the kids will always be the standard.
The Legal Help You Need
Divorcing an abusive spouse can be challenging in ways that typical divorces are not. That’s why having strong and trusted legal representation is so essential. The experienced Springfield family attorneys at Courtney & Mills can help. Schedule a confidential consultation in our Springfield office today.
